Read · 6 minutes
Something you're bad at,
for no reason.
Sometimes things feel like they're only worth doing if you can monetise, optimise or master on a deadline. What about a thing you do because you like doing it? Unfortunately, a surprising number of men no longer have this.
Somewhere around thirty, men often stop doing things that don't have a point. If it doesn't earn money, improve the house, get you fitter or serve the family, it starts to feel self-indulgent
What's left is a life made entirely of obligations. All of them may be reasonable, but none of them are yours, which leaves you wondering why a perfectly good life feels slightly grey.
Why the pointless bit is the point
An absorbing activity does something that rest doesn't: it occupies your attention completely. You can't ruminate about work while you're concentrating on a difficult chord or a tight bit of carpentry. It's a reliable off-switch that also creates joy and purpose.
There's a second thing, which is less obvious. A hobby gives you permission to be a beginner. Adult life demands competence everywhere — at work, as a father and as the one who sorts things. Being properly rubbish at something, with no stakes, is unusually good for you.
The test for whether it counts
If you'd still do it knowing nobody would ever know you did it, it's a hobby. If you'd only do it if someone saw the result, it's work with better branding.
"I haven't got time" usually isn't the problem
It's permission. Most men have two spare hours somewhere and can't quite justify spending them on themselves — particularly with young children, where anything for you feels like it's taken from someone else.
Worth saying plainly: a father with something of his own is better company than one without, and if it needs negotiating at home, negotiate it — most partners would rather you had something that brings you joy and energy that you can share with the family.
How to start one at forty
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Go back before you go forward
What did you do at fifteen, before anyone asked what it was for? Football, drawing, taking things apart, karate or playing something badly. The old thread is much easier to pick up than a new one.
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Pick one with a fixed time and place
A club, a class, a league, a session. Hobbies you do "whenever" die quietly. Ones that happen at 7pm on a Wednesday survive, because the decision is already made.
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Buy the cheap version
Not the good guitar, the good bike or the full kit. Men buy equipment as a substitute for starting, then feel worse looking at it. Borrow or buy second-hand until you've done it and fallen back in love with it.
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Give it six goes before you judge it
The first three sessions of anything are mostly awkward. Most men quit inside that window and conclude they don't enjoy things any more.
On "following your passion"
It's usually the wrong way round. Passion is far more often the result of getting moderately competent at something than the thing that gets you started. Men wait to feel strongly about something before they begin. You wouldn't wait to feel fit before exercising, would you?
Pick something mildly interesting. Do it badly for two months. Interest tends to follow effort, not the other way around.
"I don't know what I'd even do."
Said in a lot of first sessions. It's a perfectly good thing to spend an hour working out.