Read · 7 minutes
The life you chose, or
the one you drifted into?
Nothing's wrong, but that's kind of the problem. This one is for men who are doing fine but have never stopped to ask whether fine is what they were aiming for.
Here is how it tends to go: You take the job because it was offered. You live where you live because that's where the work was. The job that is "ok", the car payments, the big house and the expensive mortgage — each one felt like a sensible decision at the time, but none of them were paired with what you truly wanted from your life
Then, you're forty-three and it's all perfectly alright, and you couldn't say why it feels like something's missing, because on paper nothing is.
That's not a crisis; it's drift. And drift is much easier to correct than people think, because it doesn't need a dramatic change. It needs a decision and action
Start with the ordinary Tuesday
Forget five-year plans. Right now, they're a fantasy about a version of you who has more energy and fewer obligations. He can't even be a consideration until you can address the immediate issues.
Instead, ask a smaller, harder question: "what would a good ordinary Tuesday look like?" Who's in it? What time do you get up? What you do with the hour before work and the hours after finishing work and eating. Who do you speak to?
Once you have pictured this, the gap between that Tuesday and this Tuesday is laid out in front of you. All that's left is for you to act upon it and make meaningful changes.
Three questions that get to it faster
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What did you used to do that you've stopped doing?
Not everything is worth restarting, but men have a habit of giving things up quietly: the five-a-side, the guitar and the time spent with mates. Chances are, this was stopped because they felt like these were an indulgence when things got busy. It turns out, some of those may have been load-bearing.
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Who would you ring with good news, at 9pm tonight?
If the list is short, that's worth knowing. It is one of the most reliable signals of understanding which people to prioritise and spend more time with.
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What are you tolerating?
The commute, the way a particular person speaks to you or the room you've been meaning to sort for three years. Most men carry a handful of these and don't realise how much it holds them back.
The honest audit
Write down the three things you'd say matter most to you. Then look at last week's calendar and bank statement. How many hours and pounds went to each?
It's an uncomfortable exercise but it only takes about ten minutes. You want your time and money to go to areas that you value, but knowing this will help you make the necessary adjustments
Intentional doesn't mean dramatic
Living deliberately gets sold as quitting your job and moving to the coast. For nearly everyone it's much duller than that: one evening protected for working on the passion project; one conversation with an old friend you haven't seen in a long time; one thing you said no to.
Keep it simple, small and specific…and then repeat.
A word on "purpose"
You don't need to have one. Plenty of contented men have a few solid relationships, a job that makes them feel valued and hobbies to look forward to at the weekend, even without a dedicated purpose.
If a grand purpose turns up, embrace it with open arms! But don't wait for it to transpire before you start arranging your life.
You don't have to be struggling to want better.
A good chunk of coaching is this — sitting with someone while they work out what they actually want, then holding them to it.