Read · 6 minutes
What good
actually looks like.
"Live your best life" is a slogan, and a slightly exhausting one. Here's a plainer version, for men who'd like things to be genuinely good rather than impressive.
There's a version of self-improvement aimed at men that is really just ambition wearing a dressing gown. Optimise, maximise, become elite, win the morning. It's tiring, mostly about status, and creates toxic comparison.
A good life is a lot less dramatic, and when men describe one honestly — in a session, with nobody to impress — it's remarkably consistent.
What men actually desire
- Sleeping properly, and waking up without dread
- Two or three people they can say anything to
- Work that doesn't follow them home every night
- Enough money that it isn't a background hum of worry
- Something in the week they look forward to
- Being the sort of father, partner or friend they'd want to be described as
- A body that works well enough not to be a constant negotiation
Nobody says "a bigger car" or "a fancy house" This is important to remember when you consider how much time, money and effort goes into such things that never even appear on that list.
The trap of the moving finish line
Get the promotion and there's a better one. Clear the debt and you take out another loan. This isn't a weakness of character; it's how the mind works, and it will happily do it to you for the rest of your life if you don't address it.
The only reliable defence is deciding in advance what enough looks like, in numbers or in plain description, and then noticing when you get there. Men who fail to define what is enough don't arrive anywhere; they just keep going and constantly chase contentment.
Try this instead of a goal
Describe an ordinary week you'd be content with, in about six lines. Not the best week — a normal one. What's in it, who's in it and what isn't in it.
Then, compare it with last week. The difference is usually smaller than expected, and made of a few specific things you can put your energy into. That's the work, and it's a great deal more achievable than "living your best life".
Good is allowed to be ordinary
A decent week, boosting connections with people you like/care about, work that offers purpose without hollowing you out and something to look forward to on Saturday. It doesn't photograph well but is genuinely what most men are after when you remove the fluff.
Aim for the above and you'll almost certainly get there. Aim at "best" and you'll be aiming for the rest of your life.
Worth an hour of anyone's time.
Working out what good looks like for you, out loud, with someone whose only job is to ask better questions about it.