Read · 5 minutes
How to say
"I'm not okay"
The hardest sentence most men will ever say, made slightly easier by having the words ready. Borrow any of these.
The problem isn't usually willingness. Plenty of men would say it if they could work out how to start. What stops them is the opening line — the horrible gap between a normal conversation and a serious one.
So here are some openers. They're deliberately unremarkable. You are not trying to be eloquent; you're trying to get the first sentence out so the second one becomes possible.
To a partner
"Can I tell you something I've been sitting on? I'm not doing very well at the minute."
"I need to say something and I'm going to make a mess of it. I've been really low."
"I don't want you to fix it. I just don't want to be the only one who knows."
That last one is worth keeping in your back pocket. A lot of men avoid speaking up because they're bracing for a flurry of solutions. Saying up front what you want — an ear, not a plan — heads that off.
To a mate
"This is going to sound daft coming from me, but I've been struggling."
"Fancy a pint? Bit of a rough patch and I could do with the company."
"You know how you asked how I was and I said fine? I wasn't, really."
Side by side is easier than face to face. In a car, on a walk, at the match, doing something with your hands. Blokes have always talked better when they're not looking at each other, and there's no shame in using that.
To a manager
"I need a quick word in private. I'm dealing with some health stuff and it's affecting my work."
"I'm not going to be able to take on the extra shifts. I'm running on empty and I'd rather tell you now than let you down later."
"I'd like to talk about my workload. I'm not coping with the current volume."
You are not obliged to give details or a diagnosis. "Health" is a complete answer. In the UK, mental ill health can be a disability under the Equality Act, which means reasonable adjustments may be your right rather than a favour — worth knowing before you go in.
To your GP
"I think I'm depressed and I don't know what to do about it."
"I've not been sleeping for months and I'm struggling to cope."
Say it in the first thirty seconds rather than saving it for the end. Ask for a double appointment when you book, and say it's about your mental health — that gets you the time to say it properly.
Write it down first
There is no rule that says it has to come out of your mouth. Plenty of men send a text, or hand over a note, and then talk once it's out. If the spoken version isn't happening, use a written one. It counts.
If they respond badly
It happens. Someone panics, minimises it, makes it about themselves, or says something clumsy like "you've got nothing to be depressed about". It is genuinely awful when you've just made yourself that vulnerable.
Two things to hold onto. First: a bad reaction is nearly always fear, not rejection — people who love you get frightened when you say you're struggling, and frightened people say stupid things. Second, and more importantly: one bad response is not a verdict on speaking. It means you told the wrong person, or the right person on the wrong day. Tell someone else.
That's part of why services like Samaritans exist — a stranger who is trained, unshockable, and has no stake in your life is sometimes far easier than someone who loves you.
Sometimes a stranger is the easiest place to start.
No history, no worrying about how it lands, nobody to protect. Just twenty minutes on the phone, free.