Read · 5 minutes
How to say
"I'm not okay"
Telling a loved one that you're not okay is one of the hardest sentences most men will ever say. This can be made slightly easier by having the words ready.
The problem isn't usually willingness. Plenty of men would say it if they could work out how to start. What stops them is the opening line; the horrible gap between a normal conversation and a serious one.
So here are some openers and they're deliberately unremarkable. You are not trying to be eloquent; you're trying to get the first sentence out so the second one becomes possible.
To a partner
"Can I tell you something I've been sitting on? I'm not doing very well at the minute."
"I need to say something and I'm worried I'm going to make a mess of it. I've been really low, recently..."
"I want to share something with you. I don't want you to fix it, but I just don't want to be the only one who knows."
To a mate
"This is going to sound daft coming from me, but I've been struggling."
"Fancy a pint? I'm in a bit of a rough patch and I could do with the company."
"You know how you asked how I was and I said fine? I wasn't, really. Can we meet up for a drink?"
Sometimes, sharing a difficult conversation can be made easier by body positioning. Side by side is easier than face to face. In a car, on a walk, at the match or at the pub. People tend to speak more openly when they're not looking directly at each other, as they don't have the pressure of direct eye contact and feel less like they're being judged.
To a manager
"I need a quick word in private. I'm dealing with some health stuff and it's affecting my work."
"I'm not going to be able to take on the extra shifts. I'm running on empty and I'd rather tell you now than let you down later."
"I'd like to talk about my workload. I'm not coping with the current volume."
You are not obliged to give details or a diagnosis. Telling them you're having issues with your health is a complete answer.
To your GP
"I think I'm depressed and I don't know what to do about it."
"I've not been sleeping for months and I'm struggling to cope."
Say it in the first thirty seconds rather than saving it for the end. Ask for a double appointment when you book, and say it's about your mental health. This provides you the time to say it properly and at your own pace.
Write it down first
There is no rule that says it has to come out of your mouth. Plenty of men send a text, or hand over a note, and then talk once it's out. If the spoken version isn't happening, use a written one. It counts and it might be an easier way to address the initial barrier of sharing your struggles.
If they respond badly
It happens. Someone panics, minimises it, makes it about themselves, or says something clumsy like "you've got nothing to be depressed about". It is genuinely awful to hear such things when you've just made yourself so vulnerable.
There are two things to remember. Firstly: a bad reaction is nearly always fear, not rejection. People who love you get frightened when you say you're struggling, and frightened people say stupid things. Secondly, and more importantly: one bad response is not a verdict on speaking. It means you told the wrong person, or the right person on the wrong day. If they don't give you the support you deserve, tell someone else.
Sometimes a stranger is the easiest place to start.
No history, no worrying about how it lands, nobody to protect. Just twenty minutes on the phone, free.